Act 1: 99 Luftballons
Shepherd: It is a well known fact that the winners write history. In this case the Ultranationalists are the ones in control of Russia's history and society now.
Player: But I thought I defeated the Ultranationalists by shooting their leader in the face! Why are they erecting ridiculous statues of him as Napoleon?
Shepherd: YOU FAILED. OFFSCREEN.
Srg Foley: Hello men, I am Sergent Foley. You may recognize my voice actor as Keith David, aka, Goliath from Gargoyles. Feel free to orgasm every time I talk. Now since all you Afghan soldiers can't do simple things like throw grenades, Prv Allen will show you.
Afghan Soldiers: Okay, we know we are better than tha-
US Soldier: Okay, time to run the training course.
Allen: Is this going to involve throwing flashbangs into rooms right next to me?
US Soldier: No.
Allen: Thank god.
US Soldier: You will have to avoid shooting civilian targets though.
Allen: Well.....That's a situation that will come up alot for me right?
US Soldier: Uhhhh......Sure......Anyway, this practise should be useful in the event that shit breaks loose.
*Shit Breaks Loose*
One mission later
Shepherd: Allen, I think you are awesome. I want you to join our super l33t team.
Allen: Hell yeah!
Shepherd: Your first mission is to go undercover to bring down Russia terrorist Vladamir Makarov. Your job is to bring him down.
Allen: When and how do I do this?
Shepherd: That's top secret.
Shepherd: Oh, and we have two British guys on a mission in the middle of Russia. Thier names are...
Somewhere in Russia
Soap: ......Roach, time to scale up the mountain. Any questions?
Roach: Why is my codename so stupid?
Soap: I started out with an equally stupid codename, and god damn you will too.
*One mountain climb and stealth mission later later*
Roach: Alright, I found the downed sat modual, good thing we were not compromised!
Soap: *Is compromised*
Soap: Roach....Go to plan B. BLOW SHIT UP!
Roach: *Blows shit up and shoots soldiers in bullet time*
Russians: NO! BULLET TIME! OUR GREATEST WEAKNESS! *Dies*
Soap: Alright, we can escape using snowmobiles via an epic chase!
Roach: Wasn't this series about logic and realism?
Soap: Well.....This is kinda logical....and realistic.....
Zakhaev (!) International Airport
Makarov: Remember, No Russian.
Lev: What about the security cameras?
Makarov: The what now?
Allen: Alright. I have gotten this far. All I need to do is shoot Makarov in the head, and this can all be avoided. But wait.....That would be too predictable. And the mission can't be this simple! I guess I should just play along and find the right opportunity!
Civilians: *Are massacred in droves*
Allen: Wait for it......
Civilians: *More dying*
Allen: Should come up any second now....
Airport Security: *Getting Exploded*
Allen: Do do do doooooo.....Oh god. All the slaughter...All the horror....I need to do something to take my mind off it all....*Sees Flight times all switch to "Delayed" for no reason other than irony*...I KNOW!
Allen: I guess their flight.....
*Takes sunglasses off bullet riddled corpse and puts them on*
....JUST GOT DELAYED.
I: *Am going to hell for that joke*
Team Makarov: *Blank stares of suspicion*
Allen: Uhhh....Right comrades!?
Team Makarov: *Angry states of suspicion*
Allen: Errrr......Oh look, Police squads.
*One kill fest later they arrive at their getaway ride in the form of an ambulance*
Allen: So how did our message go?
Makarov: Oh it went perfectly fi-HEIL HITLE-I mean-ZAKIHAV!! *Shoots Allen*
Allen: BLEAGHHHH. HOW DID YOU KNOW!?
Makarov: If the CSI reference did not tip us off, I don't know what did.
Officer #1: Hey, this body is American! AMERICA MUST BE RESPONSIBLE! THEY WILL PAY IN BLOOD!
Officer #2: Uhhh....Sir? There are two other bodies with the same tattoos. And they are Russians.
Officer #1: AMERICAN TRICKS.
Officer #2: And we have surveillance footage of the massacred being committed by what appears to be Vladamir Makarov. We should probably bring him in.....
Officer #1: MORE AMERICAN TRICKS.
Officer #2: Sir, with all due respect, all the evidence points to Makarov being the person responsible, and the American just being a pawn. We should really take this evidence into account.
Officer #1: DEATH TO AMERICA!!
Officer #2: *Sigh*
Task Force 411 Briefing
Shepherd: Well, that mission was a bust.
Soap: When and What was Allen supposed to do anyway?
Shepherd: Well.....When he got in the group.......He was meant....to....do....the.........thingy...Errrr....
Shepherd: Anyway, the Russians are blaming America, and we have no way to prove otherwise.
Ghost: Okay, I can think of at least 3 ways we could prove otherwise.
Shepherd: Russia is basically run by Saturday Morning Cartoon villains. Logic is not exactly in their court. Anyway, we managed to get the ID of the bullets fired using CCTV footage. Apparently you can hunt down this weapons dealer.
Roach: HOW IS THA-
Shepherd: Nobody cares. I hope you all like Rio!
Rio De Janeiro, aka THE WORST FU**ING MISSION IN THE GAME.
Driver: All right we need to tail this suspect. Hey, he just ran into two guys there that seem unhappy. I wonder why?
Thug 1# and 2#: *Irrelevant dialogue that no one can hear or care about*
Suspect: *Irrelevant dialogue that no one can hear or care about, followed by Desert Eagle related violence*
Driver: HOLY SHIT!
Suspect: EAT LEAD CAR!
Roach: GAH HIS BRAINS ARE EVERYWHERE!
Player: GAH HIS BRAINS ARE EVERYWHERE!
Soap: ROACH GET DOWN!!
Roach: Down?! What do you mean down?! There's no time to discuss dow-*Dead*
Player: How was supposed to know that I had to duck?
Soap: He is going into an allyway!
Roach: Alright, so all we have to do is grab the guy without harming h-
Soap: SHOOT HIM IN THE LEG!!
Soap: DO IT!!
Suspect: *Is shot in leg*
Soap: Okay Roach, we need you to get Alex. Redshirts 2# and 3#-I mean...Meat and Royce, go with him.
Roach: Kay. BTW, are you sure that your interrogation will follow humane protocols?
Roach: Then why is Ghost powering up a car battery?
Soap: Can't hear you. BYE!
*Door closes. Buzzing sounds can be heard*
Roach:....Anyway, any idea on how to get the civilians away safely?
Royce: I know. BLOODY MURDER! BLOODY MURDER! EVERYONE FREAK OUT!!!
Meat: Okay, I am sure that there should only be a few Militia in the Favela-
*The Militia turn out to apparently consist of 95% of Rio's population*
Meat: Okay....You can't blame us for not expecting th-*Shot*
Royce: Meat is down! Don't worry Roach, these Militia should be poorly armed-*Shot*
Soap: Roach? Alex is on the run! You need to follow him solo! No pressure!
Roach: THE MILITIA ARE IN EVERY CONCEIVABLE POSITIO-*Dead x15*
Player: How the hell do I get past this Clusterfu*k?
Roach: Okay, Now I have reached the hill area. I need to be calm and patient...
Soap: HE'S GETTING AWAY ROACH HURRY HURRY.
Roach: THERE'S NO TIME LIMIT STOP MAKING ME TENSE AHHHH.
*Roach reaches a ally where there are about six guys waiting, postion on the rooftops, ground, and windows, all trained on an area that, since someone at Infinity Ward was having a bad day, has no good cover*
Roach: Ah-*Dead WAY TO MANY TIMES TO COUNT*
Roach: Okay.....I finally made it past that hell hole.....Now to nab Rojas and-
Soap: *Goddamn piledrives Rojas out of a window onto a car*
Soap: We got him boys! Great work! Roach, even though your efforts were unneeded, good work!
Roach:.........I hate my life.
TO BE CONTINUED.....