Saturday, March 7, 2009

I Watched the Watchmen (WARNING! MASSIVE SPOILERS!!)

Now everyone, I love Watchmen. The novel, that is. And I would have to think the Movie trailer for that. When I first saw it, I decided to see the novel, and it quickly became one of the greatest things I had ever read. It's brilliant deluge into human nature, politics and the idea of superheroes made it truly inspiring.

So naturally, I had to see the movie.

So my opinion? Well........Let me say this.

It's as if someone took Watchmen, and completely plastered it with blood and semen.

I don't want to be saying this. I wanted this to be good. I wanted to rave about this. I wanted to have this as an example of how you should do a movie. I should not be here saying this. But I feel that I have to spew out this massive load of bile that is my Watchmen movie experience to just get it out of my system.

Was it a good movie? Yes it was. Did I like it? No I did not. Here is the thing: I hated this movie. I hated what it represented and I hate the people who made it like this, namely, Zack Snyder.

See, here is the thing. Watchmen the Novel was down to earth. It was simply realistic and logical (Except the Squid, but I feel that being outlandish was the point). The movie did not understand that. Zack Snyder, this movie is not 300. That whole slow motion malarky you put in this movie? It's stupid. It is utterly, utterly stupid. It just makes this seem pretentious. 300 was mostly action. Watchmen had only around 4 fights in the whole story. Sure, the fights are all well done and stylish and all that stuff, but this is not why I want to see when I go to see Watchmen. Which leads me to my biggest problem with the movie. The violence and sex.

Now, let me tell you, I am squeamish. I dislike violence. I don't think it is necessary. The Watchmen novel was violent, but it did not revile in it. It existed to show brutality. It was trivial. It did not need violence to be dark. It had it's own intense themes and stories that made it dark. This movie decides that the only way to be dark is to have people die horribly with loads of blood. This is complete and utter tripe. It is the most unnecessary thing I have ever seen. And the sex. Let me just say this: Why was it necessary to have Silk Specter and Nite Owl have sex again in the Owl Ship again? We already saw them have sex. It's not edgy. It's just moronic.

The ultimatum for this is that they chose this violence over what I loved most in Watchmen. The insight. For example: Rorsharch's scene with the psychiatrist. That was one of my favorite parts in the novel. It truly gave us a look into why he became Rorsharch. It was dark, subtle and insightful. They ruined it in the movie. They thought that we should get: OMG HE TOTALLY JUST CHOPPED UP THAT GUY'S HEAD BLOOD EVERYWHERE OMG OMG!! Yuck. Let me tell you something Snyder, Violence and Sex is not subtly. It is a f**king sledgehammer to the face. That is not storytelling. That is just pretentiousness. And it could be easily taken out. Remember The Dark Knight? That did violence right. It was there, but it did not revile in it. People like Christopher Nolan and Stephen Moffet have very little on-screen violence. And look at thier recent works. Christopher Nolan? Made a movie where the villain is a psychotic clown that shoves pencils into eyes and carves smiles into peoples faces. Stephen Moffet? His episodes of Doctor Who had statues that come to life and kill you in the blink of an eye (literally), and shadows that devour people. And yet they showed little violence in them. In fact, I have a feeling that this movie would be better if Christopher Nolan had directed it. TIme constraints be damned, that would make this one hell of an experience.

I could go on, but I won't. But let be say who I blame for this: SOCIETY. We are in a world where people think that Violence and Sex make everything edgy, and pay no attention to meaning or insight. That may not be the case, but if it is. Then this movie is the symbol. This is not Watchmen. This is a putrid mass of F-bombs and Gorn that thinks it's Watchmen. I cannot like this movie. There were some great moments. There were some great performances, Rorsharch's actor did an amazing job, the soundtrack was great, and there were some moments of great quality in it, an it stayed mostly faithful to the novel. I know there were criticisms about the cuts and the ending, and I disliked that too. But really, what I said above was all I needed to hate this movie.

And you know what Zack Snyder? If you think that buying your tricked out "Extended edition" DVD will make me change my mind, then screw you. I don't want to see this movie again. Why would I want to see this screw up instead of a wonderful story of the same name. You fail. 

Okay, I defiantly have been nothing more than a ranting fanboy during this whole ordeal. And I am sorry for that. I don't want to be like this. I have fun ripping in to things I hate. I just find it fun. But ripping in to this is not fun. It never would have been.

Well, at least I can look forward to my next anticipated movie: 9! Bizarre sack people in the apocalypse? How can I lose! 

EDIT:  Okay, I have calmed down. Looking back, the movie was a respectable effort. It was an okay movie, but, really, Ill' take the book any day.

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